Happy Father’s Day, everyone (and while I am at it, a Blessed Summer Solstice). To most people, particularly dads, today can be a really great day which is worth celebrating and honoring — but that’s not true for everyone. You know what else? Until recently it was not a good day for me. Sometimes this is because our fathers were not good dads, but perhaps the tragic loss of a dad is the reason. My post today is meant for those who have suffered the former, but please know that you have my earnest sympathy if you lost a good dad too soon.
Chances are that if you met him at random, you would really have liked my father. He takes great care to make sure that everyone does, but rather than it being out of a need to please people he’s trying to plant the seeds of manipulation. My father is a narcissist and a sociopath of the highest order, a gifted liar and puppeteer. From him I learned the outlandish power that comes from adopting a public persona in order to conceal an unpleasant true self. Later, he would use this power to manipulate my vulnerable mother and eventually sabotage our family unit until it fractured into its current state.
The trauma he inflicted upon us all through extensive gaslighting, grooming, and emotional sadism combined with his pernicious disgusting white supremacy and bigotry towards gender and sexual minorities is something that — to this day — is still affecting us all. Of course, this was generational trauma which I believe embodied its peak in him. I still condemn his response, even if I understand how he fell into his current ways. People talk a lot about this idea of generational trauma, and in some of my circles we refer to these as generational curses.
I say all this because I’m trying to make sure that you believe me when I say I understand that this day can be upsetting for some. Maybe you’re one of the lucky ones that love this day, but that could be because you’ve done the work and found your way to the other side. Congratulations if the latter is true for you, as it has been for me. Healing takes time, and even if you have the knowledge behind the mechanics of curse breaking as an esoteric art those of us who have used the technique successfully know it took more than memorization to do the work.
Healing is always possible, often times the trick of it is finding a mode that works for you. Failing that, you have to find a mode you are willing to live with and find joy after. The latter was more my case, as all options for atonement have been attempted and failed regarding my father. Yet, I realized after my oldest daughter, Korra, was born that I owed it to her to fix this day. She should be able to feel joy on Father’s Day because I meant to be a good dad rather than worrying about my bad feelings. Not only that, but as I began working through all that I realized that I owed it to myself to heal and grow from that trauma rather than let it hold me back for the rest of my life.